A Fear of Being Ordinary or a Mid-Life Crisis?

In about two weeks time, two of my best friends are leaving the UK, for up to two years to teach abroad. One of them is moving to Dubai and the other is jetting off to Qatar. Both are about to embark on a Middle Eastern adventure of who-knows-what, living in a lovely hot climate and experiencing a new and mysterious culture.


Of course I am pleased for them, I am genuinely excited for them both. It's a wonderful opportunity to be able to take one of the ultimate transferable skills - the ability to teach - with them to pastures new. But I have to say it's made me feel like I am suddenly going through my midlife crisis, at the age of 31!


It's not even that I am jealous as such. The Middle East is probably not where I would choose to live, I think for me it would be New York or Barcelona, but that's not to say I am not looking forward to visiting them both and seeing where they have set up home. It's just that it's made me think - is this it?


Now a little bit of context - I have a wonderful, gorgeous boyfriend of eight years, whom I love very much. I have wonderful friends who make me laugh out loud. I take fabulous holidays. I own my own flat in London. I have a good job, in fact a very good job, which allows me to live comfortably and even splash out on overpriced trainers from time to time, and I actually enjoy what I do!

We plan to adopt in the next few years, the grumpy one and I, which will be amazing, life-changing and enriching -  and get a couple of dogs - mine will be a British Bulldog called Frank - and move to a lovely Victorian house in my favourite part of London (Brixton) with a beautiful garden where I can chill on a summers evening, after a long day at work, with a much deserved glass of wine. And breathe. 


So, what have I possibly got to moan about? It's strange, but I feel time is running out for me to make my mark on the world, to set the world on fire and to experience things that are outside of my (admittedly quite fabulous) life here in London.


So am I having a mid-life crisis? Is this what it's all about. Will I go out and buy a Porsche to show the world I am here? Well, no actually, to the Porsche anyway, as unless my midlife crisis leads me to donning a balaclava and robbing a bank, it just aint going to happen!


Anway, it's not about the material things. It's not even about living abroad. Or not being happy with my lot. In fact as I am typing this, I realise I am not even totally sure what it's actually about at all!


Maybe writing this is my therapy (my therapist friend Booj will be so jealous she didn't get to give me a life-coaching analysis session), as I feel a bit better already just for letting it out!

And then the epiphany comes, like a thunderbolt out of the sky, that jolts a moment of clarity into my heat induced frazzled brain (it's hot and humid outside). I AM SCARED OF BEING ORDINARY!


Wow. That's it. I am scared of being ordinary. In fact it terrifies me - that I might become Mr middle aged, job, house and two kids. That that is what will define me.


What does it mean to be ordinary anway? Does my fear mean that I want to be extraordinary? My frazzled brain is spinning now - I feel I am on the home straight. 


Let's re-cap...


1. My friends are leaving
2. Their leaving has stirred up feelings of anxiety
3. I am happy with everything in my life
4. Something is gnawing at me. 
5. I don't want to be ordinary

.... Nope that didn't help one bit. Note to self, re-capping is just a waste of keystrokes. I am now running out of the ability to self-analyse, maybe I do need a session with Booj after all? Or maybe my heavy Saturday night is kicking in and I won't even give it a thought tomorrow morning. 

So enough of my ramblings. I am going round in circles and it's doing none of us any favours. Go forth my wonderful friends and enjoy your amazing experience. Have the time of your lives. I will miss you both dearly. 


I will be here... but I will NEVER, EVER be ordinary! In fact, after I have organised getting my car MOT'd, made dinner and posted the DVD back to Lovefilm - I might even set the world alight! Small steps though and all that.

Body Sculpting Underwear: Who Is It Really Kidding?

Women have long known about the slimming effects of sculpted underwear. Many a celebrity, wanting to look perfect on the red carpet in that haute couture gown, has pulled on a pair of Spanx or something similar to keep any unsightly bulges at bay. Now men are discovering it could work for them too.

This week I read with much amusement that at Debenhams, the UK department store, sales of men’s body sculpting t-shirts have risen by 317 per cent with men’s lifting-pants up 238 per cent.

From tummy tightening pants to t-shirts that promise to make those man boobs disappear, men seemingly can’t get enough them. But who is really being deceived – the audience or the wearer?

Having never been overweight myself, I've never had to consider wearing something that would squash or squeeze away any wobbly bits. But even if all those cakes, portions of fish and chips or pints of beer that I love so much took their toll on my waistline I am not sure I would even dream of donning a tummy flattening t-shirt or a pair of male Spanx.

I know how uncomfortable a pair of skinny jeans can be, that restricted feeling you get when everything is squashed to within an inch of its life, so I can only imagine what it would feel like to wear something like this tummy belt, pictured below.

Do these items really make people feel any better about themselves? Do they stand in front of the mirror and say, ‘I look so much slimmer/more muscular’, and as a result feel more confident/attractive?

To me these items are really just fair-weather friends that will desert the person when they need them most. 

So you’ve got your magic pants and tummy tucking t-shirt on, gone out on that date and its all going well so far. You decide to carry things on back at your place. A glass of wine later and you move into the bedroom. 

What about when it's all taken off and discarded on the floor, what happens when it all comes lolloping out? Does the body anxiety just come back again, right at that crucial moment? Is the other person thinking, ‘whoa, where did all that come from? Maybe you're just thinking, 'yes I've pulled!'

Surely nothing can beat actually having a flat stomache, rather than just appearing to have one with a few layers of clothes on? Has looking good on the outside become the most important thing?

The website for male Spanx shows buff looking men, with barely any fat on them whatsoever and who hardly appear to need Spanx before or after. A fat person is never going to look like this by slipping them on. 

I am certainly not sizeist, people are free to be the weight they choose, but if they are not happy about their size, is squeezing everything into a pair of uncomfortable looking stretchy underwear really the best answer? 

There was a time when people would turn to healthy eating and exercise in a bid to loose those extra few pounds. Now it seems, in our desire for instant gratification, it just takes too long.

So will we see gym memberships cancelled, diets out of the window and a nation of people just buying the next size up when they can no longer squeeze themselves into those miracle pants? And if so, in the long-run who will it really be kidding?

Dirtycowgirl has posted a really funny response to this post on her blog, which you can find here or go to http://dirtycowgirl.blogspot.com/2011/02/this-post-is-in-response-to.html. Check it out and let us both know what you think. 

Facial discrimination: are we all secretly faceist?

Until I saw his photograph I felt a bit sorry for Edward Woollard. The 18 year-old college student, pictured below, was recently sentenced to 32 months imprisonment for throwing a fire extinguisher from the roof of the Tory HQ building, during the protest about university tuition fees.

I doubt he deliberately meant to cause anyone harm. More likely he was caught up in the excitement of the moment and acted not out of malice but extreme stupidity. His actions could have resulted in the death of anyone unlucky enough to be standing directly below, but fortunately the extinguisher landed without causing injury.

Now he faces a prison sentence, which could potentially affect him for the rest of his life, and I did wonder if a custodial sentence really was the best way to deal with the situation or whether he was made a scapegoat by a Government keen to assert its authority?

Anyway, I digress. As I said, I felt sorry for him. That is, until I saw his photograph; then I started to think maybe he had got what he deserved. It was his disconnected glare from those sinister looking eyes that did it; and his unruly curly mullet certainly didn’t help matters. He looked evil.

This got me thinking. What is it about the faces and features of some people that can make one person dislike, fear or suspect another without reason? Is it instinct, a throwback from our days as hunter-gathers, when we needed to decipher friend or foe in a split second? Or maybe we subconsciously pick up on certain ‘looks’ that we deem to be right or wrong, from the millions of images we are exposed to every day in the media? 

Todorov and Oosterhof, scientists at Princeton University, have been researching what it is about people's faces that cause people to fear or trust them and have even come up with a computer programme that allows them to analyse this. Todorov says, "Humans seem to be wired to look to faces to understand the person's intentions... People are always asking themselves, 'Does this person have good or bad intentions?'"

Take for example Chris Jeffries, pictured above, the landlord of murdered Joanna Yeates, who was recently brought in by police for questioning. Even without reading the story I took one look at his face and the voice inside my head screamed HE’S GUILTY. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one but as it turns out, he was released without any charge.

Was Maxine Carr, pictured below, really an innocent, naïve victim of Ian Huntley or was there something more sinister at play? Who knows, and maybe we never will, but I know what my gut says and I am convinced it is because of her face why I feel that way.

For me it is the dead-behind-the-eyes look that cause alarm bells to start ringing and a send a shiver running down my spine. 

For Cesare Lombroso, the Italian criminologist, it was hard shifty eyes, high cheekbones, upturned or twisted noses and unusual shaped ears. In his 1876 book ‘The Criminal Man’, Cesare said, “…one has to conclude that while offenders may not look fierce, there is nearly always something strange about their appearance. It can even be said that each type of crime is committed by men with particular physiognomic characteristics.”

That was nearly 140 years ago and Lombroso's work is now considered to be outdated. People may no longer consciously associate shifty eyes with a tendency to commit a crime, but that's not to say we don't make decisions each day based on our reactions to peoples faces. 

If I had never heard of Chris Jeffries or Maxine Carr and they turned up for a job interview, would I give them a job? Or would I subconsciously write them off because of an illogical reaction to their faces? I like to think I am a logical and rational person so would hope not. But can we ever be sure? Are we all secretly faceist, and if so, is there anything we can do about it?